nine

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Day 9. 29 Dec 2013.

eVERything reMINDS ME oF YoU, and I wANt to EScaPE it AlL.


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eight

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Day 8. 28 Dec 2013.

At one point, it was all flowers. They are meticulously arranged, with great care, so each petal and stem and thorn is perfectly seen and perfectly appreciated. In another, it was all flowing lines, like lifestream. It follows no path but it flows freely, like what one’s soul should be in its path to achievement of “greater things.” In here, though, there’s nothing but chaos and discourse—why should it be perfect? Anything I put in there, just to fill the space. Just to perfect the art of preoccupation.


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the bell jar

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"But I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure at all. How did I know that someday--at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere--the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?"

- Esther Greenwood (The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath)

 

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seven

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Day 7. 27 Dec 2013.

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes, hope, like a beautiful scene, breaks. Sometimes it turns upside down, but I like it. They’re all in boxes, and they form my life.

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magic

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"Magic is the bloodstream of the universe. Forget all you know, or think you know. All that you require is your intuition."

- Willow, 1988

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green

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Day 6. 26 Dec 2013.

It is surprising how easy it would have been. To let go. You already saw blood, you were yearning for carnage. It was a fury like no other. And yet you held it in with a smile so tame, no one actually knew that what is actually blooming inside you is madness.


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marilyn

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"Here’s what I remember most: her embrace. Her belief in me. And the joy she gave. That was her gift. When I think of her now, I think of that time when a dream came true. And my only talent was not to close my eyes."

- Colin Clark (My Week With Marilyn, 2011)

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holiday cheer

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Day 5. 25 Dec 2013.

Merry Christmas!


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infinite

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"The bluest sky is infinitely high and crystal clear. That is what the world should be--a world of infinite possibilities, laid before us, crystal clear."

- Gentatsu, Rurouni Kenshin the Movie 

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blue

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Day 4. 24 Dec 2013.

Swimming in an ocean of tumulous thoughts, I think of nothing but them. If I could wish for one thing, just for this moment, I wish for an asphyxiation of the brain. Then I would no longer think. Then I would no longer feel and I would no longer care about things I could not—and will never be able to—control.

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believe

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"In a musical, nothing dreadful ever happens."

(Selma Ježková, Dancer in the Dark, 2000)

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violet

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Day 3. 23 Dec 2013.

I feel it burst inside me, like a reckoning. I know it is hard to contain, like an undefinable hunger or thirst for something that has not existed yet.


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unclouded

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Lady Eboshi: What exactly are you here for?

Prince Ashitaka: To see with eyes unclouded by hate.


(Princess Mononoke, 1997)

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orange

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Day 2. 22 Dec 2013. 

As it spilled itself, I was left hanging on a precipice of uncertainty.

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wandering star

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"Does the sun not shine for us all? That question runs endlessly through my mind day in and day out. The man who asked it over a year ago now is dead."

- Wandering Star (J.M.G. L Clézio)

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red

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Day 1. 21 Dec 2013.

I search for eons, I search for stars, and all I see is a big expanse of nothingness.

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hands

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These hands are not your model's hands. They were never soaked with milk, pampered with soothing oils and creams, and trimmed and cleaned like a rich woman's hands should deserve.

These hands are not rich. They never signed a check worth millions, inspected clothes worth more than a normal man's monthly wage, dined with the elite, and brushed with other hands that could change the world in a snap.

But these hands---dirty, bruised, and calloused---knew hardship and pain. And these hands will carry your load, soothe your ache, tousle your hair, encase you with warmth, and try to give you hope and love.

Because time taught these hands a lesson, and they learned that lesson well---soon, everything will be alright. We will all get out of this. It will work itself out.

Until then, these hands will continue to hold yours and will not let go. And together, we will make it. Together.

I hope these hands will be more than enough, for this is all I can offer you.

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Bohol Relief

As of October 31, PBSP raised more than PHP2 million, which allowed us to reach 3,357 households in 5 towns and 19 barangays of Bohol. Daghang salamat sa tanan! :-)

null

It's finally over, and instead of celebrating that she actually made it, all she can do is sigh in relief.

Four months. It really is over. It's finally over.

The torment is over.

Deep in her heart, however, all she feels is remorse. She wonders if other people could actually feel what she feels at the moment. If they could understand why she's griping over it so much.

Eloquence goes out the window as different words come to her at once: value for money, justice for effort, intellectual capabilities, but what really retains is this: quality, quality, quality.

She was expecting so much quality, maybe a little too much of it, only to be sorely disappointed in the end. She was supposed to be excited, considering it's her first venture. But no. All she feels still is remorse.

So she asks herself if she has even learned a thing she didn't already know after four months. No. Nothing.

Wasn't this all--all those days and hours spent--meant for self-development? So she could be a better person and give back in return?

Sadly, it never happened. And that's what broke her heart so much. Such wasted months--and pesos--they were. Each penny saved for nothing.

Do you understand now?

taken

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She asked her if she'd ever really felt it, felt it so much that it tears her inside out.

Felt it enough to lose sleep, to lose hope, to lose life. Enough to be so obsessed about it. 

She said no, that time.

She does not know him enough, and he surely does not know her. As it is, only a flimsy piece of technology bridged them together.

And here she is, staring at his face, and all she wants to do is just tear that ring out. It looked beautiful on his finger, like it always belonged there, but it only made her feel that her world is coming to an end.

It feels like a slap in her face, and this disgusts her since she knows she does not deserve to feel such anger, such sense of vindication. Disgusts since she did it again, unknowingly falling hard for the wrong person again: a person anyone is prohibited to love because he is taken. 

She guessed she already knew. She can see it from his smiles. She can sense it in the way he looked so assured, so at peace with himself. Surely that person could not be that happy alone; he is in love, and happily at peace with it.

Thus, she blamed the other girl. Why make him this way, when he can not be loved? Why make him so happy, which only drew her to him?

And at the back of her mind she asked himself: is this obsession enough?

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domestic

There’s a churning madness deep within her, carefully reined in by a decade’s worth of training, training and training.

A good girl is an honest girl. A good lady does not say what she thinks, what she feels. A modest woman has no right to feel affection for a man much clearly higher in rank and attributes than her. A good woman knows her place, and that is to stay silent, let herself scarce, and never show an inch of power she could have held when a greater man is present. She only yields, yields and waits, waits. What she feels does not matter when the man has clearly nothing to do with her.

A man once said to her that life is unfair like that. She might have kept a cold facade that moment, a head slightly tilting in interest, but those words had broken her well-kept resolve.

It's hideously irritating to think how she would not bat an eyelash at any prospect of mental, physical or psychological attack, but give her words delivered by a calm demeanor and she runs away for the hills to heal her weak heart. 

Truth. It's the truth she can't accept--that she could never get what she hoped to have, could never be what she wanted to be no matter how hard she tried, could never receive anything when all she had done is give, give, give.

It's times like this she feels much like that red-cloaked figure from a certain tale. Always stubborn to get what she wants, but she faces the big, bad wolf and she cringes and hide in her red hood.

Until, something, of course, snaps.

Then she would feel so inclined to touch the wolf, his fangs open wide for carnage. And for a moment, she wishes to get lost in it, the madness, that state of not thinking at all and just feel, attack, everything be damned.

What she fears the most, though, is that through all these ponderings, it was her who continued to prod the wolf with words and beastly eyes. Bite me, bite me, she would chant, and her claws would come out, beauty never an afterthought as she opens red, red eyes and lunge. Bloodshed would come, and victory would be hers.

She knows she could have that power, that madness, but then there are years, and years. And it just kept on getting reined in. 

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starless

The nights are especially worst when rain approaches.

So much cold, so much longing for warmth. Sometimes she wondered why she needed it, the warmth, when she feels just so cold inside.

She can be what one can consider a warrior after all. She can sustain extreme temperatures just as much as she can temper day-to-day struggles, and this was just one of the mellower ones she has experienced in her lifetime.

Watching the stars fade at the open window she chose not to close, she kept herself warm with her blankets as she gradually lulled herself to sleep.

No matter what people say, two years is still not that long a time to completely move on.

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smolder

The line is lost, and the soul seeks your furnace.

May 03, 2013
12:23 PM


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"But I love you," she cried, "more than life itself, more than these tears that remind me how much I must not love you. I do, I do, I really do. Is that not enough?"

"No," he said so simply, his dark eyes glinting with something she will never begin to understand.

"Nothing is ever enough for love."

crazy zombie workmates

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When this met me upon opening my bottom drawer a while ago, I didn't know if I should be amused, annoyed or intrigued (in a very disturbing way).

In the end, I settled for downright terrified. It looked a little too similar to Plants vs Zombies, don't you think?

inclusive growth

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We were so stressed before February 20, but after THE meeting, everything is finally all set. I am so excited for March 20---Secretary Jimenez of DOT and Secretary Soliman of DSWD already gave their initial yes's! :)

And yes, we finally finished our invites! Cebu, Visayas, are we ready for inclusive growth? =)

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A Google Valentine's (Yr 2)

One of the things I always look forward to seeing on February 14 is the quirky creation GoogleDoodles would make for this special day.

It didn't seem so long ago that I made a post about last year's Valentine doodle, and back then I honestly believe Google could never top that one. I'm so glad I was proven wrong once again (but this is Google--of course I would be proven wrong!)

yay

It might seem petty to a lot of people, but not to me. This is an accomplishment worthy to be noted on history BECAUSE I DID IT (Yes, I am very excited about this)!

When I was tasked to do the layout of a project brief we will be distributing to our foreign donors for their field visit, I was not so hesitant about it until I realized I have to do a layout of the folder as well.

I panicked at first because I am not familiar with layouting folders. Booklets, brochures and signages I can do, but not materials that require more assembly than folding, stapling or perfect binding.
But Google saved the day. After acquiring initial info on folder templates and how I should make my material printer-ready, everything was a breeze already. And yes, I feel like one proud mama when I finally saw the fruits of my labour (and there were no complaints from the printing company I sent the design to).

I accomplished another milestone just because I did not give up. Yay! :)

Asada-senshu wins 4cc gold

via tokitama.tumblr.com

Debuting the most difficult jump layout of the entire women's figure skating history since the 2010 Olympics, Mao Asada of Japan truly made some noise at the 4CC Figure Skating Championships in Osaka, Japan.

And the noise she made truly had some worth: her triple axel and 3-3 combos are back! Of course she won GOLD! Yay! This has to be her most consistent year: she grabbed gold for her two grand prix events, the Grand Prix Final and finally this.

I can't wait to see you explode on the World Championships this March, Mao-chan! You have to GET the gold, too. You just have to. <3

lost?

January 25 2013 - With the ever young Tatay Jun, mylabs, as we make our wacky mark in one of the riprapped areas of Baguio City (cough*Balamban*cough).

Well, it truly was the coldest weather I experienced---even colder than Sagada and Baguio combined.

We just finished planting abaca trees and turned over a water system that will benefit at least 50 marginal upland farmers and 200 school children of Cambagocboc Elementary School, all thanks to our donor, Taiyo Yuden (Philippines), Inc.

Domo arigatou gozaimasu, PTY! And sorry for the rusty Japanese during my mini hosting stint. :)

flashback 2012: sitio lana (tarangnan)

November 26, 2012 - fresh from our flight in Tacloban City, we traveled for four hours to reach Tarangnan, Western Samar, where we had to take a one-hour bangka ride to reach Sitio Lana, an island once known to have visitors who, once reaching their place, "can never return to their place again." We turned over a multi-purpose building for their farmers and fisherfolk with the Tarangnan mayor.

Make good use of the facility, friends!

flashback 2012: graduation

10 October 2012 - 35 students from the Buhisan Watershed finished their 20-day course on basic plumbing and tile-setting and are now ready to take on other income-generating jobs aside from charcoal making.

Congratulations, mi bois! :)